2010's Top 5 Most Annoying Public Figures

You know, I tried to write something funny about Chelsea Handler. But when it comes to someone as lame as her it’s really just an exercise in futility.

For some reason women think that Handler is a beacon of liberation. That a woman can be just as unapologetic about whoring around as a man. But the truth is, only women that are of sub-par attractiveness take on that type of behavior. They have to if they ever want to get laid.

And while some see Handler as the model for women making a stand in a man’s world, she wasn’t beneath (quite literally) getting to the top by the beaten down path of fucking her way there.

Chelsea is the type of girl you’d find at a party. You know the one; Obnoxious, loud-mouthed, doing keg stands and saying shit that would make a trucker blush. All this is good fun if you’re looking for a quick (and sloppy) lay with zero effort put into it on your part. But after that sexual transaction is finished, all you really want that bitch to do is shut the fuck up.

And here is where Handler becomes truly annoying. She doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up.

After Handler was allowed to spend a weekend with the lonely, frigid, one-dimensional A-list actress Jennifer Aniston, Chelsea thought it was a good idea to publicly bash the woman that “stole” Anniston’s husband away 5 years ago.

Apparently Chelsea thought that using her mouth for anything other than a blow-job was a good idea. But unfortunately, when she doesn’t have her team of writers making up her material, she’s not funny, or relevant, or even newsworthy. Not to mention that Anniston herself was pissed that Handler decided to weigh in on an event that took place at a time when Chelsea was still giving out hand-jobs in rest stops on the way to Vegas.

But in an effort to keep things balanced, here's the accomplishments of Jolie on film. And here's Handler’s accomplishments on film. Here is what Jolie does to contribute to the world. And here, here & here are Handler’s contributions to society.

Now I’ve never regarded myself as an intellectual person or even a man of common and rational sense. But somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, Handler shooting her cock holster off about Jolie seems as ill fated and pointless as someone sitting down to watch Handler’s sex tape.

With Chelsea Handler, you can almost feel her desperation of trying too hard. And that's why she's one of 2010's top 5 most annoying public figures. Although I'm sure she would refer to herself as a pubic figure because she's so witty and dangerous. Oh Chelsea, you really are a card...the type of card that says the virus is untreatable.

The 5 Most Annoying Public Figures of 2010

Kim Kardashian is perhaps even more annoying than Paris Hilton for the mere fact that Kardashian had to borrow the lame playbook Hilton wrote on how to be famous without having any actual talent instead of contriving her own self serving ideas. So, Kardashian made a sex tape and sold it through a “third party” then turned around and sued the very buyers that gave her money in the first place.

Her shameless lust / self entitlement for money is nothing new, after all, before she was letting Brandy’s brother Ray J pee all over her, she was a “stylist” for that family. Brandy’s mom entrusted Kim with a credit card to use for specified and approved purchases only. Kim, along with her sisters, decided to use the card as their own personal shopping account instead.

But Kim’s class and social upper echelon sensibilities don’t stop at petty thievery. Kim's father was on the “dream team” that helped O.J. get away with murder. Still, not one to miss a photo opportunity, Kim saw fit to show up at a Nichole Brown Simpson charity because she’s a socialite with class.

In a bogus attempt to feign philanthropy, Kim partook in the Twitter Dead Celebrity fund raiser that had celebs vow to stay off their twittering until a million dollars was raised for children with AIDS.

But beings that Kim is paid up to 10 grand by advertisers to send out tweets from her account, she, along with a few other insincere stars, asked a billionaire to donate the money that was needed to meet the requirements of the charity so she could get back to making money via Twitter.

With Kim’s dealings in money, specifically how it trumps everything else, it’s no surprise that she thought she would be the ideal spokesperson to teenagers on how to budget their finances. I guess the public school system already has a course that teaches kids how to be urinated on while the camera is rolling.

So this year, Kim came out with the Kardashian credit card. Can you guess what this card does that others don’t do? Well if you thought it was anything other than help put money into Kim’s bank account then friend, you’re probably the only person that disagreed with me in the third paragraph of this article about O.J. being guilty.

And if that’s the case, you’re stupid enough to sign up for one of these cards and argue with me that Kim Kardashian isn’t one of the top 5 most annoying public figures of 2010.

RAWKin' Around the Xmas Tree.

Last year I bought some nail polish from a company called ManGlaze. Here’s what I thought of it. Much to my surprise & probably everyone else that’s familiar with my juvenile antagonism, the owner, Marc Paez, wrote me back, apologized and sent me some free replacements that totally rectified my problem.

Even more unbelievable, Marc loved my hate letter and asked for my permission to put it on his website. I said yes to that request because one thing a loud mouthed asshole wants more than anything else is a higher mountain to shout his obscenities from. Since then Marc’s even been brave enough to hire me out for some freelance writing gigs which is muy bueno.

This year his company, ManGlaze, did something ballsy, courageous and long over due. They came up with an iPod holding accessory that challenges the mediocrity put forth by Apple prevalent in their iPod armband.

Marc does a lot of snowboarding / skateboarding and was tired of the arm band’s lack of easy access to his iPod as well as the fact that his ear bud wire was constantly dangling from his arm and getting in the way of any maneuvers or tricks he was trying to pull off.

So, he engineered a band that holds your iPod nano (Gen 6 and up) around the wrist which gives you instant contact to your playlist as well as keeping the ear bud wire out of your way. This clever, useful and stylish creation is aptly called the RAWKband.

The RAWKband is available in 5 different colors as well as a 6th one that’s a total homage to the day’s of Shouting At The Devil (black band riddled with spikes). All RAWKbands are made out of leather and more durable than an O.J. Simpson “Not Guilty” plea circa 1994.

Now, not only is this sick puppy practical, but it also makes you look way fucking cooler than you really are. So whether you’re active on a board, bike, treadmill or just loitering outside a liquor store because you’re unemployed, you can look totally fucking metal even if you are listening to Beyonce’s “All The Single Ladies.”

The RAWKband makes a perfect gift for your angst ridden teen, gothed out girlfriend or douchebag boyfriend who insists on still wearing TAP OUT or Affliction gear. That’s the beauty of this accessory, it gives you swagger points even if you don’t deserve them other wise.

In fact, I think the only type of person that would turn their nose at this great model of American sub-culture ingenuity is a meathead that spends 7 hours a day in the gym trying to make every part of his body bigger to compensate for the one part that’s teeny tiny. I can see why someone like that would prefer the lame armband because it accentuates his bicep.

So if you’re not a meathead or don’t have one on your shopping list, hit up ManGlaze and purchase one of these abso-fucking-lutely bad motherfuckers.

Kidsmas Massacre

When I was a kid attending Catholic grade school, every year promptly after Halloween festivities concluded, the school’s faculty would begin the rigorous preparation for the annual Christmas program.

The campaign was spearheaded by the institution’s acting principal Sister Mary Corita. She was a volatile mixture of charisma and fanaticism, the type that you find in all infamous leaders who have the capability of rallying the masses to their feet, and then running them off a cliff.

For months children were relentlessly groomed, auditioned, yelled at, prayed for and rehearsed to death. Elaborate costumes were made, sets were built, themes discussed and teacher’s jobs threatened if their respective class didn’t deliver a performance of Broadway standards.

In retrospect I now realize the pressures forced upon us were in the best interest of the show. Albeit, Sister Corita’s sanity could be questioned over and over again, but the thing to remember is that all great cults of personality are unstable, dangerous and down right loony as they lead their subjects into glorious oblivion. Her ends always justified her means because our programs were in a word, Epic.

Last Friday I attended Bear's Christmas Program. I now fully comprehend the stark contrast between private schooling and public schooling and it is this; the quality of the Christmas Program.

I don’t mean to sleigh my own bells, but MY school’s program was the stuff legends are made of, even if they did come at the price of blood, sweat ,tears and the raping and pillaging of a child’s innocence.

But maybe it’s for the best that Bear’s program lacked any cohesiveness, organization or discipline for the sake of preserving the student’s precious spirit and not forever equating Christmas time with pain, torture, humiliation and self derogation.

Or maybe I’m just bitter and think that all 7 year olds should suffer under the same conditions I did for performance art’s sake. Yeah, that’s totally it.

ANYWAY.

Here’s my almost humble review of the Burbank Elementary 2010 Winter Program.

Third Grade Class: Mr. Thomas-Jingle Bells / Ode to Joy medley…on recorders.

The performance was all that one would imagine when 50 kids are blowing into something that has the reputation for sounding like shit. I could almost make out jingle bells, but the high, off note pitches did a great job of audibly crushing anything that might have some sort of melody to it.

First Grade Class: Mrs. Bright-Jingle Bells (Part Deux).

Next up was Bear’s class, singing, not blowing, Jingle Bells. Apparently there’s little to no communication within the ranks of leadership at this school when it comes to coordinating which class is performing which song. I was surprised the entire program wasn’t comprised of the different interpretations of Jingle Bells by every grade.

The first graders tromped into the auditorium as if they were convicted felons facing a firing squad. Bear stood up front with the enthusiasm of a prisoner at Abu Ghraib who was on deck to the interrogation room.

The pre recorded music started up and most of the children went along with it as well as incorporating random hand and head gestures in unison for flair and personality.

The song ended and the kids dispersed as quickly as they assembled, exiting stage right and looking forward to two more performances in the afternoon. You could see the self loathing on their cherubic faces…along with the pondering of parenticide.

Preschool- Mrs. Reyes- Must Be Santa

These tiny tots were obviously the main attraction and damn it if they didn’t have the ego and diva like attitudes to go along with such high end status. When they came on stage all the parents stood up and waved their arms at their corresponding offspring to get their attention as if the kids were monkeys in a zoo exhibit.

The children of course, paid no attention to their adoring audience. They didn’t return waves or look towards cameras for pictures, they just stood there like movie stars while teachers fawned all over them, doing last minute costume adjustments and reassuring the children that they were better than everyone.

When the Preschoolers finally decided to begin their performance, it was on par with that of a belligerent Amy Winehouse or Whitney Houston. The kids mumbled, stumbled and at one point fell over one another while trying to sing the words to “Must Be Santa.” It was obvious that they’d all indulged in too many complimentary Pixie Sticks backstage before their performance. Their PR team is going to be doing a lot of damage control well into the new year.

After the train wreck of that which was the Preschooler’s, there were 4 more grades set to perform. Before the program started, the principal told the parents that they weren’t allowed to leave early and expected to stay for the entirety of the program.

To no one’s surprise, the parents told the principal to get fucked by way of emptying out of the auditorium, more than likely because we felt that we’d already put up with enough coercion from school officials in the past when we were children.

Suffice to say, that’s where this review ends, parents walking out on their own kids. I have no interest in what the other grades had to offer and judging by the mass exodus, neither did any one else in attendance.

Oh Sister Corita, where are you when a school’s Christmas Program needs you?

Dear Walking Dead- Don't Leave Me, Come Back!

I hate most episodic shows for the following reasons: Stupid. Predictable. Only offered on cable (which I’m adamantly opposed to for moral and fiscal reasons). Plus, getting involved in ongoing shows takes a certain level of commitment, discipline and patience which my constitution severely lacks.

The few times I have gotten involved with a series I ended up heartbroken because it either got cancelled (Party Down) or I was forced to wait an ungodly amount of time for the second season (Archer).

That’s why when I saw the advertisement for AMC’s The Walking Dead, I just ignored it. Sure, it banged on my door much like the zombies in it, but I was smarter. I knew how to side-step such clunky antagonists that wanted to take me down in some way, shape or form.

Plus, it was on basic cable, which I didn’t have, so problem solved.

But I-tunes in their whorrific ways offered the first episode for free, just like drug dealers do. And that’s all it took. As soon as it was over I gave Apple my credit card so I could have access to all those lovely episodes as soon as they were aired.

I’ve gotta admit. TWD is the best goddamn show I’ve seen in a long time. Zombie stories by and large are pretty one dimensional but this show finds a way to give it depth, humanity and drama. Granted it’s just a soap opera but it’s a gory soap opera set in post apocalyptic America which I can give two severed thumbs up to.

That’s why when I was informed after watching episode 6 that it was the season finale, I, like it’s zombies, lost my fucking mind. The fact that a Bob Dylan song was the audible send off was salt in the wound. You want to talk about bringing on a zombie induced state, just listen to Dylan for a couple seconds and see if you don’t try to chew your own ears off.

What a total buzz kill.

So as soon as I came to terms with my abandonment issues and realized that I’d once again fallen for the allure of a good show (much like a hot girl) I searched the net (much like a stalker chases that hot girl) to find out when it would return (call me back).

October 2011.

Yeah, 10 whole months. Do you realize what could happen to your life in just the span of 60 seconds? Now do the math; that comes out to 25920000 seconds*, I don’t even know where to put the comma. My point being is that’s a lot of time for anything to happen to my precious (my precious) show.

In my scouring of the web like it was Karen Silkwood in a decontamination shower, I came across some unsettling news about the show. Rumors were abound that all the writers were fired and that some of the cast may or may not return. Granted it was just industry chatter but still, my emotions are much too fragile to have to endure such uncertainties.

But none of that matters now, I’ve been bitten, I’m in for the long haul, the long wait, the endless months of wandering about aimlessly in a wasteland of mediocrity hoping a cure will come.

God damn you Walking Dead. I hope you trip and fall! Wait, I didn’t mean that, I love you, come back!

*I’m publicly educated so I have no idea if my mathematic skills were on point or not.