Kansas Convos.

At my Father’s Funeral…

Ok, kids, come on over here and get your picture taken with your dad and I.

Is she serious?

Oh very. She had Todd and I pose for a picture before the service started.

Hurry up kids!

Wha- Really? Who brings their camera to a funeral?

Ummm it would appear that woman right there, who is your mother…standing next to your father…who are both waiting to have their picture taken with you and your sister…at my dad’s funeral. Family.


At the Dutch Goose…

Chris, I’m so, so sorry about your dad. Are you and Todd ok?

We’ll get through it.

All the time I spent hanging out with Todd over at your dad’s place. He was such a great guy. I mean, he didn’t even get the least bit upset when I set his couch on fire. Most parents would’ve gone off the deep end. He just told me not to worry about it.

Yeah, he was good like that.

After the funeral service…

Oh my god, Chris, do you remember me? I’m your cousin!

Of course I remember you (just not sure which one you are, though).

Your eulogy for your father was amazing, just absolutely incredible.  The whole time you were reading it up there I just kept thinking “I really hope he writes MY eulogy when I die. Will you?”

Suuuuure.


In a truck on the way to Topeka…

You’ll have to excuse my wife and all her chattiness, dude. She’s had a few glasses of wine.

It’s true, I have. Anyway, he thought that when he donated his sperm to her and her girlfriend that he’d still be able to have some of the parental rights because that’s what they’d agreed on, but he never got it in writing so as soon as she had the twins from his seamen she just totally blew him off and he took her to court because-

Jesus babe, you’re talking Chris’s ears off! We’re supposed to be here for him, letting him talk because he’s sad and shit-

Actually it’s okay I don’t really-

Shut up, Dude, I’m trying to explain to her that you’re number one tonight and we should be listening to whatever it is you want to talk about.

I’m sorry honey, I’m just trying to catch Chris up on everything that’s been going on since he doesn’t live here.

Well he’s MY friend but you just keep stealing his attention away from me, I haven’t gotten a word in edgewise.

Ok I’ll be quiet so you two can talk.

Silence for 30 seconds.

I can’t think of anything because you put me on the spot now!

Ok, then I’ll finish the rest of what I was saying. Anyway, the twins are teenagers now and he’s never met them yet he’s got both their names with their birthdates tattooed on his arm and his case is now being taken all the way to the supreme-

I was once able to get 4 out of 6 anal beads up my ass.

Uh…

Um wow, honey.

Well don’t the both of you sit there and look at me like I’m stupid, I’m just trying to join in the conversation.

You make me a very proud wife. Anyhow….

At the Booby Trap…

What the fuck are these?

They’re shots in honor of Al Stuke, now shut the fuck up and drink yours.

We slam them.

Oh hey what are you guys doing?

Shots.

That sounds like fun! Why didn’t you include me?

Oh I did, I put them on your tab.


At a restaurant...

Do you enjoy doing hair?

I do.

What demi brand do you use for wild colors?

Urban Shock. It fades to a lighter version of itself. Way cool.

I’ll have to try that. I just got back from a hair show in NYC.

Was it good?

Fuck no, they did a platform on layers and it was like “Really? Didn’t we see this shit done back in the 90’s? What do you have planned next, highlights done with a shower cap that you poke holes in and pull the hair through?” What a fucking joke.


At a bar…

So you live in L.A. huh?

Yeah.

My wife and I were thinking of taking a trip there.

Cool.

We like to party like that.

Ok.

You’ve got cool tattoos.

Thanks.

And your hair is cool too, big and spiky. Why do you look so rock-n-roll?

Umm, just part of who I am I guess.

Why do you have such nice big brown eyes?

I uh-

Was that gay of me to say?

I’m not gay so I wouldn’t know what gay sounds like.

Yeah? You wanna get back on the party bus we got and come back over to me and my wife’s house?

I’m good thanks. But you know, even if you’re not going to the party, it’s always nice to be invited.


Writing my Father’s eulogy the night before the funeral….

How’s it coming along?

Go ahead and read it. I’m kinda drunk so I don’t know if it makes any sense.

No problem, that Xanax just knocked me on my ass so it should make perfect sense.

Todd reads over what I’ve written.

Sounds good, just one thing.

What’s that?

It’s too comedic. It’s supposed to be a eulogy, not a stand up act.

I’ll re-work it.

His critique saves me from making an ass out of myself  at my Dad’s funeral and prompts me to write one of the most poignant things I’ve ever come up with at 2 in the morning through tears and bottle after bottle of booze. Thank you, Todd. You are my strength, my center and my hero. I hope to be just like you when I finally decide to grow up.


At the bar…

So I’ve been fucking this guy that looks JUST like Gerard Butler.

Oh yeah? How old is he?

54.

I don’t think Gerard Butler is 54.

Doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s a pussy.

Gerard Butler or 54 year old Gerard Butler?

Stop saying he’s 54. But yes, 54 year old Gerard Butler.

How’s he a pussy?

He won’t just fuck me. I mean he will, but then he wants to talk afterwards.

About what?

How should I know? I’m trying to sleep. Last night I think he was trying to talk to me about his kids and I’m like  “I got kids of my own that I gotta hear about, I don’t wanna hear about yours too.” I told him he needs to watch 300.

Why’s that?

Because THAT Gerard Butler doesn’t talk about his god damn kids after he fucks someone, he goes out and kills a bunch of Persians. That’s the kinda man I’m lookin’ for. My coochie is made for fucking, it don’t wanna hear about your day.


At another bar…

So you think you’re a writer?

Well, I like to write, so sure.

What do you like to write?

I’m really into episodic television.

What’s that?

TV shows.

Oh. Yeah. So you’ve written something then?

Yeah I’ve been working on a pilot premise based on one of my friends.

Is that so? What’s it about?

Eh, he robbed a bank, went to prison, got out, opened a club and it flourished. Had a girlfriend that was pregnant, the baby died his club went under & he moved to Vegas knowing not a soul and has turned into one of the most sought after and successful promoters in Sin City.

Now why the fuck would I want to watch a show about that?

You ever feel like a loser, like no matter how hard you try you end up last? Like your heart is in the right place but you just keep doing all the wrong things?

Wow, yeah.

Ever feel like all you want is redemption from the mistakes of your past and your only hope of reaching that redemption is changing everything about yourself while still keeping your core intact?

Yes.

And when you want nothing more than to make a new start in a new world all you are is shunned, disrespected, disregarded and left for dead. Yet you still continue to crawl through all the shit and almost drown in a pool of your own blood but never surrender because redemption will ease the pain of your past. Ever have those kind of feelings about things? Ever have those dreams that you know will make things right?

I do. I have.

Ever look in the mirror and want a better version of yourself?

Pause.

All the time.

Then that’s why you’d watch what the fuck I’ve written.


At my Father’s funeral, a mutual friend of Todd and I come’s up, tears in his eyes…

I’m so sorry for the two of you.

Thank you, and thank you so much for coming.

Your dad, he was fucking awesome. I always felt like one of his own kids, just how kind and patient he was with me. I mean, I got Todd arrested for god’s sake yet he always accepted me in his home, was always kind to me even though I’m sure I gave him every reason to hate me. But he never did.

He was incredibly awesome. We were all lucky to know him.


At the bar…

So maybe you can understand where I’m coming from since you’ve probably fucked as many girls as I have. I just can’t do one nor could I imagine one for the rest of my life. This thinking provides great opportunity but just as much difficulty. I can’t figure out which one outweighs the other.

How’s that?

Well because since I’m basically fucking everyone, that allows for more…violent situations to arise.

Violent?

Yeah. I’m on these meds and they make it nearly impossible for my dick to get hard quick. Takes like 10-15 minutes to get him up. Most girls are cool with it, but then there was this one.

What happened?

We were in her minivan…actually her mom’s minivan, and she’s jerking me and sucking me and nothing’s happening with my dick. So she gets really insulted. I try to tell her that it’s the meds and to just give me a few more minutes. She tries jerking me off one more time and still nothing. So she turns and hits me.

Hits you?

In the eye.

For not being able to get it up?

Said that my dick felt like a dead baby bird in her hand so she gave me a black eye for not being able to get hard. Said it was my punishment.

In a car…

I remember when we were dating and all the times I’d come to your house when you lived with your dad.

Oh yeah?

And he always had SO MUCH mail, just spread out everywhere and you were always trying to pick it up and keep it organized. And he’d turn around and mess it all up again. You were always so frustrated with him about that.

He was a total slob sometimes.

Just the other day I looked at my kitchen counter and realized how much mail I had accumulated, it was such a mess. I sat there and thought “Jesus, I’ve got an Al Stuke stack of mail on my counter.”

That’s epic.

We’ve been friends for so long, Chris, your dad has always been apart of my life. I’m going to miss him.

Me too.  


At the bar at Freestate Brewery…

Whatcha got there? That a journal?

Nah, just jottin’ down some notes for something.

Looks like a journal to me. You a writer or sumthin’?

Actually my father just died, I’m trying to come up with a eulogy. He used to bring me here, thought it might help, obviously I was-

Well shit, I can help you with that.

-wrong.

Just write something like “My father was my hero, a great mentor and a kind and gentle person who loved his children and our mom.

My mom and dad were divorced.

Who loved his children but hated our mother, but not too much. They just couldn’t see shit eye to eye.

Yeah I don’t think that’s quite what I’m-

How’d he die?

Massive heart attack. Came out of nowhere.

Yeah my grandpa died outta nowhere too.

I’m sorry to hear that.

He was supposed to wear his false teeth but never did. Was chewin’ on a piece of steak one day and because he didn’t have his teeth in didn’t chew it up enough, ended up chockin’ to death on a piece of meat.

Wow.  You got the day off? Is that why you’re drinking at 1 pm on a Thursday?

Eh, I left work early, the wife was pissin’ me off.

You work with your wife?

Fuck no, she just pissed me off last night so I decided to leave work early, come here and drink.

Why’d she piss you off?

She won’t fuck me.

Can’t understand why.

Me either. Makes the kids unhappy too.

That she won’t fuck you?

No, just that we fight a lot. That’s why I went out and got me a girlfriend.

That’s one way to try to solve things.

She’s older too, in her prime. I love fucking her…in her pussy.

Well, that’s usually where you put it, unless they’re really giving.

Oh she’s beyond giving, let me have my first threesome with her and one of her girlfriends. I fucked them both-

In their pussies?

That’s right, in their pussies. My girlfriend wants a baby though.

Obviously you’re not gonna give her one since you’ve already got kids with your wife, yeah?

Oh sure I’ll knock her up, figured that’s the least I could do for giving me a threesome.

You’re not concerned about making another mouth to feed?

Nah, I’ll give her whatever she wants so long as she keeps letting me fuck her.

In her pussy.

In her pussy. What’s your name?

Chris.

I’m Jason, it’s nice to meet you.

It was nice meeting you as well, Jason. I think I’m gonna bone out now.

Gimme a hug.

Ok.

And write your number down, I’ll give you a call.

Here.

Thanks, Chris. You’re pretty fucking cool.

Whatever I can do to help.  


In the car on the way to my Father’s funeral with Melissa…

Did you get the eulogy written?

I guess.

Are you happy with it?

Don‘t know. At this point I can’t even fathom standing up in front of all those people reading what I wrote in regards to the life and times of Alvin Stuke.

Did you make sure to leave out the time you got that phone call from the internet site saying-

Totally left that out.

What about the time you walked in on him in the living room with-

That one as well.

Or when your brother Todd went into his own room and found your dad in there-

Did not include that either.

And you left out the time I walked into your backyard to tan in my underwear and your dad-

Left that too-

Was already tanning in the backyard…in his underwear.

I made it a point to exclude everything that requires a sense of humor and the acceptance that humans, my father included, are without a doubt the goofiest species on Earth. It seems we all have the capacity to do the most embarrassing shit when we think we’re alone.

Good idea. Do you believe in what you were able to write?

100 %.

Then you’ll be fine, just be sure not to rush it when you’re reading aloud. People have the tendency to speed up when speaking in public.

Thanks. I love you, Boo.

I love you too, Babe.


At the bar…

So I hung out with Dang last night.

How’d she look?

The same I guess. She asked me if you were gay.

Seriously?

Yeah, I told her you were doing hair now so she thought that at the very least you were  bisexual.

You’re kidding me. I fucked her for like a month straight, why would she ask that?

Well she said “Chris always wanted to fuck me in the ass so I’m just assuming he’s gay or has bi tendencies”.

Ok first off, if I had bi tendencies I’d be fucking a guy in the ass, not a girl. Secondly, out of EVERY woman I’ve been with, Dang was the one that was always overtly happy to have anal sex. Dare I say almost giddy about the act. Now I’ve never, ever really been that preoccupied with anal sex, but she just made it seem like so much fun. It was like dessert after a great meal. And you know, sometimes you’d just rather have more dessert than dinner because you never know if anyone’s gonna serve that dessert to you so eagerly again.

So you were binging?

Guilty.


At my BFF Renfro’s…

Does this get any easier?

Easier? No. But you do get used to it, it just takes time. Time to distance yourself from it. Time for life and every dumb thing you do on a day to day basis to feel like it’s normal again. But it never gets easy.

That’s what I figured. It’s not something that goes away rather it becomes apart of you.

That’s exactly what it is. Ya see, like the whole funeral thing, that’s just what I call the show or the performance. You get up there and everyone tells you they’re sorry, you cry, they go home and get on with their lives and you just kinda wait around with your thumb up your ass trying to act as normal as you can. But it’s all such a blur, it doesn’t really sink in until a couple months later when you’ve got a real stupid question and your first reaction is to call the only person that will have that answer for you and you realize halfway through that thought that they’re not there for you anymore. That’s when you fully comprehend that your dad is gone.

Yeah, dreading that moment.

But here’s the other thing you realize. That while they were alive, you never truly knew how much alike the two of you were. It’s only in their absence that you fully comprehend just how much of an imprint they left on you.  You find yourself doing things that you always looked up to them for doing in the past. Some of those things you may never have had the urge or desire to do, then one day, boom, you’re a perfect reflection of your father. Me myself, I build shit. While my dad was alive I never had one ounce of interest in building anything. After he died I got his tools, now I’m out in my garage building shit all the time. Don’t  ask me why or even how I know how to do it, I just do it and I’m good at it. Just like my dad was.

We’re the echoes of our fathers.

Indeed we are, brother. It’s the way it was meant to work.

Eulogy

Our father had a philosophy that he lived by, if it’s not fun, don’t do it. To my brothers and I it seemed that he lived this mantra to the fullest extent day in and day out. Weather if it was shooting pool at a neighbor’s or floating down a river in China, he always chose to do things that would elicit joy and happiness.

He could garner just as much satisfaction and excitement from taking a train trip across the country to sitting in his house on a cold winter day with a cup of coffee with baileys in it watching cardinals & blue jays scamper in the fresh fallen snow. Dad had a gift of finding passion in the ordinary therefore making everyday life, extraordinary.

He constantly sought to feed his mind and his soul with new experiences and knowledge. It didn’t matter if it involved traveling to distant far away lands or sitting back in his recliner with his nose in a book. The world was full of constant wonder, surprises and secrets that he loved chasing after and learning about.

Growing up my brothers and I thought there was nothing our dad couldn’t do. Sports, carpentry, scholastic endeavors, it didn’t matter. He was always a constant source of answers, insight, talent and information. Whatever he knew he got great satisfaction from sharing it with others. And share he did.

Dad was never one to say no to anyone that asked for help. It didn’t matter the time, day or cost, he was always happy to be of service. He was beyond generous and altruistic in everything that he gave. All he ever asked for in return was to see people happy & content.

From our childhood well into our adult lives dad repeatedly moved heaven and earth for us. There was nothing that he wouldn’t do for each of us boys. He supported us in any endeavor we chose and showered us with love and encouragement in any path we decided to go down in life.

His unwavering support instilled in us a sense of confidence, security, drive and permission to pursue any dream that captivated us and dared us to chase it. Time and time again he gave us his all in our pursuit to find happiness in the way we defined it. Never did he try to deviate us from the journeys we embarked on. He only fueled the engines of our souls and told us to run after our desires.

As we grew up and became men ourselves we realized the scope and depth of what our father did & was still doing for us. His love was always unconditional, his commitment and loyalty steadfast and unshakable and his forgiveness was never-ending. It didn’t matter how many mistakes we’d make or how many times we’d fall on our face, he was always there to pick us up just like when we were children and tell us to never give up because he’d never give up on us.  What came naturally to him in regard to decency, patience, love and understanding are virtues that my siblings and I will aspire to ascend to for the rest of our days.

I feel the one trait that made our father truly amazing though was his courage to be completely vulnerable in front of his sons. It seemed as if the older we got, the less he played his role as patriarch and the more he became our friend. I’d like to think that he found it cathartic and safe to talk with us about the things that troubled him, scared him or confused him to the point of worry. He found solace and comfort in confiding in us things he wouldn‘t have necessarily shared with others .

Years after our parents divorced there was a time when all three of us boys lived with him. It was one of the most memorable times ever. It was less family and more frat house. There was never a dull moment amongst us and always an adventure to go on. And even though we’d all had a strong bond with him, it seemed during that time that the fibers that were interwoven between us and him became unbreakable. In him he was our rock and source of stability. In us, the essence of him that we’ll carry on into the world.

There was a time not long ago that he and I were in a conversation and he asked “Have I been a good father? Because sometimes I feel that I wasn’t, like there was more I could’ve done.”  I told him my brothers and I couldn’t have been more blessed with such a loving and giving human being. And the fact that he was always striving to be better than the person he was the day before was a testament to the incredible type of person he was.

We think that if there’s one thing our father loved more than anything else, it was stories. He loved to tell them, read about them or listen to them from both loved ones and complete strangers. And even though he’s no longer with us, we all have stories of him that will forever keep him in our hearts. I know that Todd, Brad & I were so very lucky and fortunate to be in the story of Alvin Henry Stuke.

Years ago I was on an interview and the person interviewing me said something so profound that I never forgot it and it was this; You can tell a lot about a person and the life they led by the number of people that turned out to tell them goodbye after they departed. I think the sheer numbers of those in attendance today illustrates just how far reaching and impressionable our father was to the rest of the world.

So long, Dad. Thank you for everything, you will forever be a part of us. We’ll see you soon on the other side.