BeLIEve

Every year Politifact.com awards one unlucky schmuck the not-so-prestigious Lie of the Year Award. This year’s recipient was our very own commander in chief Barack Obama. 

Now as far as I’m concerned politicians should just be exempt from this whole thing because every last one of them lies or at the very least stretches the truth further than Octomom’s waistline when she’s carrying a litter of 8.

 Suffice to say, every year that they’ve been presenting this award it’s gone to a politician. It really is an unfair advantage, especially in regard to those of us busting our asses everyday to come up with the ultimate Teflon lie.

At any rate, the lie that nominated and ultimately awarded Mr. Obama was his repeated statement in regard to people’s insurance coverage and his Affordable Care Act. Specifically this one line; “If you’re happy with your health care plan, you can keep it.”

The catch is, under the ACA’s new guidelines, a lot of people’s (4 million to be exact) health plans didn’t qualify, thus they were canceled and Obama was by default, a liar.

Let’s keep in mind that even though 4 million seems like a lot, it only accounted for around 2% of the insured population. That’s not to say that there weren’t a lot of folks who were royally pissed upon finding out that their plans had been canceled. 

But in retrospect, the new plans they’d received were supposedly more comprehensive and after alleged subsidies and credits were applied the cost was slightly higher than their original plans but covered them a lot more.  Please keep in mind that all of this glass half full information came from an administration that was just awarded something for lying.

None of this really matters though in the age of the repetitive sound bite.  Conservatives have been screaming at the top of their self-righteous lungs about this and absolutely no one is surprised.

As irony would have it, the 3 runners up this year for the Golden Lie were Ted Cruz, Ann Coulter & Michele Bachmann (all right-wing conservatives) for their own blatant lies about the ACA.

Regardless of that though…

 Fox News will probably be all over this Lie of the Year Award quicker than Rush Limbaugh is at an all you can eat buffet on dollar night with complimentary pain killers, no limit.

But do any of us really care what Fox News has to say? Because anybody with a 5^th grader’s wisdom knows that Fox News is on par with any given trashy reality TV show. Actually let me amend that: All News Channels are total crap and have as much integrity as The Real Housewives of any given city. It’s all lowest common denominator entertainment.

ANYWAY-

Truth be told, Obama wasn’t forthcoming with all the information he was privy to. But who the hell is completely honest when talking about a sensitive subject? Men and women of all creeds, social and financial backgrounds know when to say just enough but not divulge the entire truth lest they want their asses handed to them.

 
Here’s a very relatable example: “Honey, does this dress make me look fat?”

Now if it does and you know it and you say it, the only thing that will come of it is a fat lip to compliment  her fat  ass. 

So the correct response is “Baby, if you’re happy with that dress, you can keep it.”

In retrospect, we could all learn a thing or two from our President and his award.

Write on...

As a few of you know, I recently got a gig doing pop-culture coverage for a website.  I’m both grateful and flattered that someone was willing / reckless enough to take a chance on me.

This is the first time I’ve had a bonafide “blogger” job and while it’s definitely rewarding & fun, it’s also different in the fact that it comes with a bonafide “editor”.

Having someone proof my words as well as change and or omit them feels foreign if not downright awkward. It’s akin to being in a dark room & jerking yourself off, but there’s a stranger’s hand on your jerking arm which regulates your pace. Sure, in the end you get to where you want to go, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fucking intrusive.  

And even though I have someone whose job it is to re-word, or re-work everything I turn in, apparently there are some submissions that have been deemed “inoperable” and have wound up in the editor’s recycle bin.   

This should come as a surprise to absolutely no one because most of my writing is Gonzo by nature. Still, when you put yourself out there to be a surrogate mother, birthing words for someone else’s family, you don’t like to hear that your baby has ended up in the dumpster behind Walgreens.

But such is the life of someone who sits in their underwear pecking away at a keyboard in between searches on eBay and Youporn. Touting that what they’re contributing to the blogosphere is both relevant AND read worthy.

So without further ado, I give you the children no one wants, hopefully they can find a place in your heart this Holiday Season. 

KK&K Wedding, Wear White!

Kanye West & his baby mamma Kim Kardashian (Kimye for those of you that subscribe to the media’s lame attempt at branding celeb couples) are rumored to be having their wedding at France’s Palace of Versailles.

The douchebag duo feel that since they’re celebrity royalty it’s only fitting that their nuptials be held at a place that’s world renowned for its royal opulence.

Kanye has never been married so he said he wants a big wedding, one that’s at least half the size of his ego. Kim on the other hand, well, she’s just stoked that she won’t be forced to “return” any of the gifts from THIS wedding due to public outcry over the marriage being nothing more than a sham for TV ratings.

The Palace of Versailles was once home to Marie Antoinette, an 18^th century socialite who, after being shunned by the people of France for her promiscuity, extravagant spending during hard economic times and charges of child abuse / neglect, was sentenced to death by guillotine.

If only Kim K. could understand & appreciate irony & foresight the way the rest of us peasants do.  

No word yet on where the couple will have their honeymoon but three things are certian:

1. There will be a sex tape from the result of said honeymoon which will mysteriously be leaked (see also; sold by the Kardashians) to the highest bidder.

 2. Kris Jenner (Kim’s mother / pimp) will be the one directing the video.

 3. The preformance in the sex tape won’t be able to hold a candle to the raging hottness in this video. 

If you’ll recall, Kim K. shot to notoriety by starring in a sex tape with C-list rapper Ray J in which at one point in the video Mr. J used Ms. K as a Latrine. 

We all know that Kanye can’t stand to be outdone so there’s no telling what kind of depravity he may shower on the new Mrs. West. All we can hope for is that she’s had vaccinations against any type of viruses or bacteria that’s derived from human waste.

R. Kelly is here to put out the fire

In what appears to be a pissing contest between R. Kelly & Kanye West over who can make a bigger jackass out of themselves when it comes to giving an interview,
Kelly took the lead with his latest dialogue in The Guardian.

This should come as no surprise to anyone since Kelly is a seasoned pro when it comes to matters of peeing.

Here’s what Kelly had to say in regard to Chris Brown and the trials & tribulations Chris has been in, mainly of his own free will and accord:

"I only feel sorry for weak people," he says. "And mostly what I've come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters. The ones that's talking about Chris Brown, or R Kelly, or anybody that's successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he's obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he's done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me."

Alright, Peepants, just because Brown is successful doesn’t mean its okay to treat people however he wants which is basically why he’s in the news all the time.

There’s never articles touting his accomplishments because they’re always out done by his own intrinsic knack for knocking people down, not being knocked down.

That being said though, it takes a man to have the cajones to compare Chris Brown to MLK, Ali & Jesus. A real stupid, stupid man. Probably the same type of man that would have sex with an underage girl, urinate on her and videotape it.

I’m sure by Mr. Kelly’s logic that my diatribe is nothing more than a weak person hating. But then again, Mr. Kelly’s logic tells him that Chris Brown is comparable to MLK, Ali and Jesus instead of Ike Turner, R. Kelly and Chris Brown.

Tequila Mockingbird

Tila Tequila, the pint size pain in the ass made famous by MySpace & MTV (if those two media fronts aren’t credentials for low brow “celebrity” I don’t know what is) seems to have gotten tired of absolutely nobody paying attention to her.

 So, in a desperate attempt to garner some interest and relevancy, she went for the Hail Mary of media attention garnering plays by bringing up the Holocaust. Specifically how Jewish people need to get over it:

“I understand the Jewish people went through some shit too, but hey guess what?? SO DID THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE WHO SUFFERED IN EVERY SINGLE WAR THST TOOK PLACE! You were NOT the only ones! So please, if the rest of us can forgive and forget maybe it’s time you do also!!!”

Well, Ms. Tequila, I assure you that we’d all forgotten about you and had finally gotten around to forgiving ourselves for even knowing of you. I even forgave myself for not running you over that time I saw you crossing the street at Santa Monica & Highland when I almost mistook you for a gremlin.

Up until this point in my life I’d never really thought about the scope of suffering that takes place when war breaks out, until you pointed it out, while wearing an S.S. hat with a Nazi armband & holding a gun.

 I truly thank god that there’s people like you brave enough to do literally whatever it takes to choke out every single breath of your 15 minutes of fame / shame. Plus, you do it unapologetically, just like Hitler:

“I never said I hated anyone, but just because I fee sympathy, compassion, and forgiveness for others such as Hitler means I am now a monster? All for trying to open your eyes to the truth that Hitler was NOT as bad as he was painted out to be?”

I’m not sure where this painting of Hitler was at that Ms. Tequila viewed and came to the conclusion that he wasn’t such a bad guy. But I’m willing to bet that it was squeezed in between a picture of George W. Bush receiving a high school diploma & Bashar al-Assad accepting the Nobel Peace Prize.

I think the only war Tila is qualified for speaking on behalf of is the war of the 15-20 voices raging inside her tiny little head. It’s probably more cramped in there than a one bedroom apartment in Van Nuys with the name Gonzalez on the door.

The truth is, when you bring up something as devastating, horrible and wretched as the Holocaust and then tell people to get over it all for the sake of controversy and the spotlight, you deserve whatever backlash you get. 

So don’t sit there and play the social martyr part when you’re the one that freely put the noose around your neck because you thought it looked sexy and racy.

One shot of Tequila please, to the head.