Wanna go to Tijuana this weekend?
No, it’s dangerous.
No it isn’t.
Let me do a Google search. Tijuana / Safety
Jesus.
It says here that 8 bodies were found roped up and hanging from a bridge in Tijuana last week. Although the ropes weren’t tied around their necks since they were all missing their heads.
That’s an isolated incident fueled by media sensationalism.
It goes on to say that this type of brutality is the norm. Two months ago, 30 bodies were found with their skin boiled off. Tell me why going there is a good idea and putting me in the equation makes sense to you.
Listen, those people…
Victims.
Whatever. They’re all involved in the cartel wars. As long as you aren’t involved with their drugs, you’re fine.
Why do you want to go down there?
Drugs.
How stupid are you?
Hear me out. First off, the drugs I want are pharmaceutical. They have tons of pharmacies down there. I’m not buying cocaine or smack. Just painkillers and Viagra.
Why do you need Viagra?
For the hookers I’m gonna fuck.
Hookers are on the menu as well?
Of course, they’re beautiful. Way hotter than the stuck up American girls we have to deal with in the states.
I’ll give you that American girls have an undeserving sense of monetary entitlement but risking your safety for a prostitute expecting monetary reimbursement seems a little…
They only cost 60 bucks.
It’s never crossed my mind to pay for sex until now. But I don’t think it’s something I’m into.
No one’s saying you have to, but once you see these girls, you might change your mind.
I’ll accompany you as a conscientious observer.
Sure, whatever the fuck that is. Be at my place tomorrow, we’re leaving at 2pm.
2 pm Tomorrow...
Glad you came.
I’m still not sure about all this.
I figured you wouldn’t be, that’s why I invited my friend Dale. Thought maybe you’d feel safer in a group.
The old safety in numbers thing. Something with the acronym SIN is supposed to make me feel better huh?
You’ll be fine. You’ll see. Besides, he’s a pro at this.
Sex with hookers?
Oh yeah, sex in general, a total maniac. He was even on a live broadcast gangbang one time.
You don’t say. What would I type in a search engine to view said gangbang?
Live gangbang / Darth Vader.
Why Darth Vader?
Because he’s the one wearing a Darth Vader mask.
While he’s fucking?
YEAH!
I…
Sweet, he just pulled up. Lets jump in with him and roll.
Inching (not rolling as first proposed) down the 405...
So, Dale, you’ve been to Tijuana a lot huh?
Plenty of times, I even wrote the TJ Manifesto.
Is this manifesto published as is the communist one?
Online.
You have an online publication?
No, I just put the shit up online.
Where?
Tijuana chat rooms.
There’s such a thing?
Of course, that’s where you find out which places to go to when you want to fuck hookers or where to get a good street dog.
So its like a directory or food menu?
Not like. Is. I’ve planned our whole itinerary tonight based on chat room info.
And you trust what these people say?
Why wouldn’t I?
Maybe they just want to lure Americans into Tijuana to kidnap them, hold them for ransom.
You do too many Google searches.
Seriously, a friend of mine had a friend…
That knew a girl that was kidnapped and murdered while she was there with her college friends. Her friends couldn’t find her until they just happened to see her whiz by in the backseat of a van full of Mexicans that it was later revealed were en route to the U.S. border. When the guards searched the van they discovered the girl was dead, her insides had been carved out and replaced with bricks of cocaine in an attempt to smuggle drugs into America.
Wow, that’s exactly the story. Was she your friend too?
Fuck no. That’s just a very well known Tijuana myth that everyone likes to tell, makes ’em feel worldly, or in the know or cool. Really, just makes ‘em look dumb for believing and repeating such a farce.
Makes me feel scared…and dumb.
McDonalds in San Diego…
You go to the bathroom and come out with your hair dripping wet, what the fuck?
I wanted to clean up, look good for the girls.
So you took a whore bath in the sink?
Don’t judge me. You’d better order something while you’re here, I’m not sharing my chicken nuggets with you when we get back on the road.
Back on the road. Pass sign “Last U.S. Exit.” Pass another sign “Illegal to Have Firearms in Mexico.”
Hmm, you think that sign helps curb the violence in Mexico?
It’s truly not as bad as it’s made out to be.
Why do you believe that, Dale?
As it stands, the two main warring cartels have a fragile peace accord throughout TJ because they want Americans to come and spend their dollars in Mexico because they’re intertwined with a lot of the businesses. They want TJ to be thought of as a Las Vegas type destination.
Well it’s reassuring to know that tourism dollars are on their mind. Do the cartels own the clubs we’re going to for your hookers?
Probably not. The money from those clubs would be a pittance to them.
Why do you say that?
Because I wanted to use the word “pittance” in a sentence.
Walking across U.S. / Mexico border...
If the violence “isn’t as bad as its made out to be” then did the Mexican boarder guards not get the memo?
Is that why they’re holding heavy duty machine guns…and staring at us?
Relax, it’s just a show of the zero tolerance for violence.
With the blatant threat of violence. Lesson learned. It smells fantastic here, is that shit or piss or a nice combination of the two with a scent of street garbage?
It’s 3rd world charm. I’ll meet up with you guys at the club in two hours.
Wait! Why are we splitting up? Why is Dale meeting us and not coming with us? Remember our little SIN brotherhood?
Calm down, he has a reservation.
At where, Red Lobster? Do they have those down here?
A house orgy.
Seriously?
Yeah its in the middle of nowhere.
So he’s just going to jump in a cab…like he’s doing right now and drive to the boondocks to get naked with a bunch of strangers and possibly taste another man’s genitals by proxy?
I told you he was a maniac.
When he picked us up I thought for sure he’d change out of those board shorts and Crocs but no. He’s actually attending an orgy in Crocs. His dick ever fetch him a disease engaging in all this behavior?
Just cirrhosis, but that’s genetic not communicable. Let’s hit this pharmacy.
After hitting the pharmacy...
Sweet, so this Viagra should kick in an about 30 minutes. Let’s take a taxi to a club.
Do we have to?
Fine, we’ll walk but we’ve gotta make it quick. It’s nearly impossible to walk with a boner.
Walking (pre-boner)…
Why are all those cop cars driving around like retards in that empty river ravine?
Some training exercise, who knows? This place is backwards. Try not to think about it.
How’s your dick?
We’ve gotta cab it the rest of the way. No whining.
Cabin’ it the rest of the way with no whining…
Hola amigos, where to?
Wow, authentic.
Norte Rojo, por favor.
You know Spanish?
Just important stuff and places.
Norte Rojo, an important place…
Ok, so the way it works is simple, this place is a strip club but also a market. When you see a girl that you like, you just go up and ask her.
Ask her what?
To fuck, to get naked, for sexy time. However you wanna coin your phrase.
You make it seem so matter of fact.
It’s as easy as the chicken nuggets I ordered at Mcdonalds.
Yeah but they fucked up your dipping sauce, aren’t you worried about the dipping sauce the hooker is offering?
Look, prostitution is legal down here just like drinking in the states is if you're 21. It’s one of the few safe & enjoyable perks in this otherwise corrupt society. In order for the girls to be working they have to get tested weekly and be licensed by the city’s health department. It does the clubs or brothels no good to have a product that makes your customers sick. Just like Mcdonalds.
Wow man, you were able combine prostitution and Mcdonalds within the same business model. So after you ask the girl you like to play with your nuggets, then what?
You take her to this motel next door, rent a room for 30 min. and viola. Now lets go in...
