For the past 4 weeks I’ve been subjected to the music of Adele. And within that time frame I’ve made some striking discoveries which led me to a lot of hypothesis & theories which finally led me to a conclusive fact with supporting evidence which is this:
Adele is a horrible role model for women.
When I first heard Adele I just chalked her up to the world’s low-rent compensation for Amy Winehouse‘s passing. Kinda like when Taco Bell screws up your order of Nachos Bellgrande so their way of saying sorry is giving you a coupon for a fucking taco.
Anyway, upon first exposure to Adele I didn’t pay much attention, but as time wore on I quickly noticed one common factor in all of her songs; whining. Insistent, relentless, shameless, unadulterated, unabridged, self-serving, constant steady whining. I don’t know about you, but when I hear something whine (man, woman, child) my first instinct is to shoot it. Put it out of it’s misery as well as my own.
The next thing I noticed is that she’s fucking obsessed with her ex-boyfriend. I’m talking to the degree of stalker status. Take this line from her popular song Someone Like You: I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
You’re free to interpret that line however you want. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that if I showed up at my ex’s front door spouting that line of perfectly rhymed bullshit, I’d be leaving with a few unwanted stab wounds to my face neck and chest area.
You’d also think that according to Adele she has nothing but affection for her ex boyfriend regardless of how things turned out. She even says so right here: I wish nothing but the best for you too. but that's not the case at all.
She's admitted that if it weren’t for her ex and what had happened between them that she wouldn’t be on the successful road she’s traveling on today. Well there’s a certain word for people who help us get to where we wanna be. That word is Life Coach. Tony Robins and his big white teeth get paid MILLIONS to do it. This guy did it for next to nothing and all he’s asking for is his fair shake and she’s being stingy and unappreciative.
But I guess if Adele wants to add those two things atop stalker and whiner then it’s her party and she can cry if she wants to. And God knows she's going to, in fact, she’ll wail. Or in direct correlation to her body size, whale.
Which leads me to my next point. Adele is way (or weigh, the puns are endless) overweight. Now I know fat girls like to hide behind such words as “full figure” or “voluptuous” but those titles fit on her as about as well as a size 9 pair of pants would. I think the only thing “full” about Adele is probably her appetite. Everything else can be described as “obese” morbid if you’re nasty. Yet still as she carts around that deuce and a half on her heels, she takes to being offended when an executive of the record label that gave her the steel reinforced platform to cry upon suggests that she lose weight.
Listen sweetness, being in shape is good for your body, your heart and your career. Whether you want to believe it or not is of little importance. But the truth is, sexy sells. In fact, if sexy had stock options, I’d put my life’s savings into it. But still you graze on stating that you’re happy with your body the way it is which is the mantra for lazy people the world over.
Even when I hear you belt out the words don’t forget me, I beg the only thing I envision is you on your plumpy tummy, one hand wrapped around your ex boyfriend’s ankle, the other tightly grasping a sandwich…which you take bites of in between your bouts of crying and pleading.
But hey, we’ll just throw out of shape and lazy to the list of stingy, unappreciative, stalker and whiner. These are all attributes that most people would not consider “positive”. But I’ll be fair, those characteristics are found in people that are on T.V. Albeit those people are the ones getting arrested on COPS.
But all that aside, the number one reason that Adele is a horrible role model for women as well as just being bad for womankind in general is that she’s made millions off of singing about her broken fucking heart. How many times have you suffered the emotional, spiritual and physical distress of a break up and the only thing you got from it was “a lesson learned”?
Yet this woman is making stupid bank. Even worse, she’s making your boyfriends rethink the way they should treat you. The new mindset will be treating you like shit by cheating on you. Seriously, all a guy needs is a half ass excuse of why he should be a permanent resident of Fuck City. In the “Adele Case” it’s because it will be for YOUR own good. Trust me on this.
Adele has inadvertently set the standard for how bad someone can be treated so your boyfriend will be inclined to go above and beyond because in the end, it’s all for you. So expect him to bang his co-worker, neighbor, Filipino housekeeper or grocery store clerk. The plus side to all this is that you can write songs about it all and become a millionaire and get that car, house, and time share in Aspen you’ve been badgering him about.
Do you want that? I think not. So stand with me won’t you? Boycott Adele. Better yet, inform the Japanese of her whereabouts and they’ll put an end to this shit pronto.
