In March I took a 3 week trip back to Kansas. And while there’s a treasure trove of stories to tell, I figured it’d be more fun to share certain conversations that took place…
On the way to a bar at 11am.
“Where are we headed to?”
“Cousins, you know where it is?”
“Yes.”
“I need to meet some people there.”
“Are we going on a drug deal?”
“Yes we are.”
“What are you getting?”
“Cocaine.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m on so many anti-depressants that when I drink I black out and do stupid things so the blow helps me maintain.”
“Makes sense.”
“Last week I didn’t have any coke and got drunk, took off all my clothes at a party and played the piano they had there…with my ass.”
“Sounds sexy.”
“I wouldn’t know because I blacked out.”
“Is there anyone in Topeka that is still holding a grudge towards me that I should know about so I can watch my back?”
“If there is someone that stupid enough they’ll have a gang of people to get through first.”
“Thanks, that means a lot. And thanks for being here for me.”
“Of course, you were a good boyfriend to me, hope you’re not mad that I fucked all your friends after we broke up though.”
“It’s no biggie.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through what you’re going through.”
“So am I.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Sad.”
“Do you want me to buy you some hookers?”
“God no. I’m not pushing what little might be salvageable of our relationship over the edge into dysfunction just to have meaningless sex with some stupid girl.”
“Jesus, you really do love her.”
“That’s why it hurts.”
“Well if you change your mind, let me know.”
“Thanks?”
5pm at a bar…
“Thanks for the drinks.”
“No problem dude, how long you here for?”
“3weeks.”
“What’s the occasion?”
“I needed to get out of L.A. for a bit.”
“Aren’t you getting married soon?”
“Not now.”
“Why?”
“She changed her mind, isn’t sure if she even wants to be with me.”
“That’s awful.”
“Agreed.”
“You want a shot?”
“Patron.”
“Hey, you know, if you want, I’ve got some vagina for you and it’d actually be doing me a favor.”
“Thanks but no, I don’t want anyone else.”
“Cool. I’m here for you if you need me, but I can’t stay out too late tonight, I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow.”
“For what?”
“The Topeka St. Patrick’s Day parade.”
“You’re getting up early to go to it?”
“No, I’m in it.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I’m the pig on the Famous Dave’s float.”
“You’ve gotta wear a pig costume?”
“Yeah, they talked me into it when I was drunk.”
“Congrats.”
“Then Pigskins found out about it and demanded I do it for them too.”
“You’re working a double float shift as a pig?”
“Looks that way. I shouldn’t make decisions when I’m drunk, want another shot?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Hey, do you guys have Tuaca?”
“No, just Jager”
“I hate Jager. Are you sure there’s no Tuaca?”
“Positively sure.”
“Well then give me a shot of Jager.”
In a car going down Mass St…
“Hey dude, that girl looks like that monkey you used to fuck.”
“Sarah?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, that really does look like her, should we turn around and get a closer look?”
“No, I don’t have any bananas on me and chances are she’ll start throwing shit at us and picking her nose. That’d totally ruin my buzz.”
3 am in a hotel room…
RING.
“hello?”
“Yes, this is the front desk, we’ve had noise complaints about your room.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true.”
“Well we’re not doing anything but having anal sex so I don’t see how THAT would be cause for a complaint.”
“Are you really?”
“No. But it sounds like fun doesn’t it?”
“I guess that would depend if you’re giving or receiving.”
“When we checked in we got a free bottle of champagne.”
“Yes, that’s customary.”
“Can you bring us up another bottle right now?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I think the more important question is why wouldn’t you do that, mainly because it address MY wants and desires.”
“Do you really want a bottle?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Listen dude, there’s two girls up here and when you give them champagne they give you anal.”
“Seriously?”
“I’m not for sure, but don’t you think it’s worth a try?”
“Hold on.”
KNOCK, KNOCK.
Open the door to find a male staff member holding a bottle of (wait for it) champagne.
“Hey dude thanks, come on in.”
“These are my female friends.”
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
“So let me get this straight, you’re going to get anal from giving them this bottle of champagne?”
“Sort of. I’m not with either of these women. One’s married and the other is in a committed relationship in the fact that the guy she’s banging is married.”
“So what do you need the bottle for?”
“I’ve had a rough couple of weeks so I figured once we finished this bottle, one of them could shove it up my ass for metaphorical reasons so it’d be a visual reference for how I’m feeling emotionally.”
“Wow dude, you’re crazy.”
“Are you going to stay and help?”
“I’m sorry but I can’t, I’ve gotta get back down to the front desk, call if you need anything else.”
“Fine.”
Commotion comes from out in the hall, I go to investigate with my new bottle of champagne. It’s a gang of girls acting like morons by the elevator.
“Hi!”
“Ladies.”
“What’s in your hand?”
“Champagne.”
“From where?”
“The front desk.”
“How did you get them to give it to you?”
“I asked.”
“Really?”
“Truly. I also got a free cab ride tonight by telling the cab driver the girls I was with were prostitutes and they were going to stick things inside me. All in all it’s been a thrifty evening.”
“Will you come down to the front desk and get a bottle of champagne for us?”
“Oh I don’t care.”
Elevator door opens, we get in.
“You look like a rockstar.”
“I used to be.”
“What band?”
“Puddle of Mudd.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Ah, the bitchy girl of the group, nice to meet you.”
“If you were really in that band, what’s one of their songs?”
“Blurry.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit. I was in his car listening to the rough tracks of it months before it came out.”
“How does it go?”
“If you don’t know how it goes, then how can you even accuse me of lying?”
“Sing a part of it.”
“You could be my some one, you could be my scene…”
“That’s not a Puddle of Mudd song.”
“The fuck it’s not, in fact, it was the most played song in 2003, or some shit like that.”
“Whatever.”
“Finally.”
Door opens into the lobby.
“You again?”
“Yeah, these idiots want a bottle of champagne, can you give them one?”
“Fuck man, I suppose.”
“Thanks, good night.”
In a strip club…
“Hi.”
“Go away, I’m not interested in what you’re selling.”
“Jesus, you don’t have to be a dick about it. You look familiar.”
“Yeah, people tell me I look like Chris Stuke.”
“You do look like him. What’s your name?”
“Chris Stuke.”
“Do you wanna know my name?”
“Um let me guess, I bet your stage name is something ridiculous like Joey.”
“That IS my stage name! How did you know?”
“I tried to be as stupid as possible, looks like you’re way ahead of me in that race.”
“That’s not very nice.”
“So.”
“Hey, didn’t you used to fuck one of my friends?”
“That’s a good possibility.”
“My name’s Megan, my real name.”
“Oh yeah, now I remember you. Then I’m positively certain I fucked one of your friends.”
“That’s right, you used to fuck Sarah.”
“Indeed I did.”
“Don’t you live in L.A.?”
“Yes.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Drinking.”
“Then why don’t you buy me a shot or a drink?”
“If you want a shot I suggest you go to the veterinarian. If you want a drink I’d advise you go to your water bowl.”
“God you’re an asshole.”
“And I’m not even trying.”
“What are you going to do when you go back to L.A.?”
“Go to school to do hair.”
“That sounds fucking gay.”
“Maybe, but I think I’d be good at it…hair, not being gay.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Because I can tell you right now, with not having spent a second in a cosmetology classroom, that your extensions look like fucking shit. You should be ashamed of having that mop on your head while getting naked for dollar bills.”
“I’m leaving.”
“What, no free lap dance for that consultation?”
In a bar with my brother…
“Okay, so that way it goes is that you have a vertical line numbered 1-10 and then a horizontal line numbered 1-10.”
He draws this diagram for me on a napkin.
“Now, what this does is measure a girls hot to crazy ratio. I’m a fair guy so I always do a straight 45 degree angle.”
Again, he illustrates this on the napkin.
“So, when I met her I thought she was an 8 on the hot scale and a 6 on the crazy scale. So if you look at where that falls on the chart, she’s above the line. Clearly her hottness outweighed her craziness. But now…”
He reconfigures the chart due to new data he‘s gathered.
“…her hottness is still at an 8, but her craziness is at like a 20, which is not only off the chart, but brings her WAY BELOW the line of acceptability in hot to crazy ratio.”
“Jesus, this seems pretty scientific, can I keep this chart?”
“It’s all yours.”
A conversation over lunch with a very sophisticated lady...
“What took you so long, Chris?”
“I had to poo.”
“Gotcha. That’s one thing about poop. It’s got a mind of it’s own, and an ugly fucking face.”
“That it does.”
She takes a drink of her beer. Burps.
“Now, where’s the shitter? I’ve gotta drop a load myself.”
