“Ow go the liez, in gooooez mah kniiiiife”
Did you understand that first line, Chris?
No how could I? You sound like you’re trying to scream with rocks in your mouth.
It was the summer of 1984, my friend Trevor and I were both 10. We were sitting at his kitchen table and in between bites of his spaghetti-o’s he was excitedly trying to emulate a song he’d heard the day before at an older neighbor kid’s house.
Ok, see if you can figure out this next verse, I’ll sing it louder, maybe that’ll help.
“Pulled owwwwt hiz liEEEF, consider that baaaazterd dead!”
Trevor, for the love of all things holy, quit trying to sing, you’re awful at it.
Sorry, Mom. Well?
Nothing.
Fine, I’ll say it then. “Pulled out his life, consider that bastard dead.”
Did you say… “bastard”?
Yeah! That’s the name of the song. Can you believe it? How cool is it that a band has a song named Bastard?
Trevor, are you cursing again?
Not that I know of, mom. What do you think, Chris?
Scary.
Scary? How?
I don’t know, just the name, and the words to the song. Using a knife to pull out someone’s life. Sounds violent and dangerous. Both those things usually scare me.
Well not me, man. I’m way hip to it . You should be too.
Who sings this song? I’m certain it’s not on the radio.
It’s this band named Motley Crue. They also sing songs about shouting at the devil.
I’d never heard of this band before, but the mere mention of their name, Motley Crue, conjured up images of some very ruthless, demonic human beings that probably looked like something out of a Stephen King movie. Only a week earlier I had painstakingly listened to Eye of The Tiger a million times over so I could write out the lyrics for Trevor so he could sing it the right way. Now he wants to sing about killing bastards and yelling at the devil? What kind of evil spell was this musical group casting upon the masses? What the fuck was happening to my best friend?
Trevor, what’s happening to you?
I’m just becoming totally awesome. Why?
Why? Because we’re into stuff like Michael Jackson and break dancing, remember? We listened to an interview with Boy George on the radio a couple months ago, we wear bandannas and parachute pants.
No, no, no, Chris, I wear parachute pants. Those things that you wear and call parachute pants are some sort of imitation things you found in the girls section at JC Penny’s.
I’m short, normal pants won’t fit me so my mom had to buy me a girls pair. What’s this have to do with anything?
I’m moving on, no more boring stuff like break dancing, parachute pants and bandannas. I’m all about Motley Crue and having looks that kill.
Looks that-
It’s another one of their songs, you should get into them too, we could even start a band just like them!
No bands, Trevor, you can’t sing. Find something else to do.
You’re not being supportive, mom.
I refuse to support tragedies, son.
A week later I was standing in the tape cassette section of Kmart. In the past I’d perused this isle in search of Joan Jett, Rick Springfield and a very played out copy of Alvin and the Chipmunks :Chipmunk Rock. Now, I held in my hand the dastardly, sinister Motley Crue’s Shout at the Devil. Absent on the cover was the androgynous but safe look of Joan Jett. Or the PG rated picture of Rick Springfield and his cool guitar or the drawing of Alvin, Simon & Theodore’s faces etched into Mt. Rushmore.
This tape’s cover had four men and or women on it looking as if they were in hell and so close to the devil that shouting wasn’t required to be heard. All of the members looked like they could kill, maim, destroy and apply make-up better than any woman I’d come across in my decade long existence on this earth.
As I stood there holding the tape I knew I was in possession of something dark, unpredictable and vicious. It’s contents and ideals would eventually expose me to a seedy world of sex, violence, rebellion and the pursuit of great looking long hair.
What I didn’t know at the time was that which I held in my hand would be a major influence on me well into my adult years. This was my gateway moment but I had no idea it was happening because truth be told, the four people on the cover of this album were scaring the absolute shit out of me. Yet I was strangely magnetized to it. It was such a polar opposite of everything in my life that I couldn’t put it down.
It was calling to me, beckoning me, recruiting me.
I quickly turned it over and scanned the song list; In the Beginning, Shout at the Devil, Looks that Kill, and there it was, Bastard. Trevor hadn’t been lying. Other song names were Red Hot, Helter Skelter and one aptly titled; Danger.
I checked the price; $7.95. Then I pulled out my Velcro wallet and checked my funds;10 bucks. I grasped the tape, took a deep breath and went to find my mom so we could proceed to the checkout line. While waiting in line with her, she inquired about the little souvenir from hell I was about to purchase.
What music are you buying?
Now even though I hadn’t heard one single note from these guys, I knew they’d be instant contraband in my home. When I was in kindergarten I loved KISS, my mom bought me their records, a lunch box, bubblegum cards and even made me a wig out of yarn that I could wear around to try to look like Ace Frehley.
Then she heard from one of our loud mouth neighbors that KISS was an acronym for Kings In Satan’s Society. The next day my mother, my primary enabler, collected all my beloved KISS paraphernalia and did a good old fashioned effigy burning to cleanse our house of the evil. To make clear, she preformed a ritual that hearkened back to the days of the dark ages and set fire to anything that had to do with the music of the damned. Not even my yarn wig was spared.
Needless to say, I knew that if she became privy to the contents of this particular tape I was attempting to purchase that she’d instantaneously set it ablaze as it made it’s way to the cashier via the conveyor belt. I had to be sneaky.
Uh this tape? It’s like a Halloween kinda thing.
It’s July, why are they selling Halloween stuff now?
No idea. Trevor was telling me about it though. It’s supposed to be pretty scary.
Scary? Chris, you have problems sleeping at night as it is.
Well this shouldn’t be THAT bad…
And your little brother hates it when you crawl into bed with him because you’re too scared to sleep alone.
Mom!
Plus, you play with his ears while you’re in his bed uninvited. He hates you for that as well.
I-
And you’re not sleeping with your father and I…
Fine! I promise I won’t let myself get that scared.
Nor playing with OUR ears…
Ok, I get it already!
Good. Are those girls or boys on the cover?
I can't tell.
As in you're not going to tell me?
Why does it have the word ‘devil’ on it? IS IT LIKE KISS?! Will I have to burn it later?
No! It says shout at the devil. They’re probably mad at him.
So is it Christian music?
Sure, Christian Halloween music.
Trevor told you it was good?
Yeah.
Didn’t he also tell you he was half black?
He did.
That kid is whiter than the snow. Eccentric, just like his mother. Really smart. I guess really smart means you’re also really weird.
Then I’ll make sure to keep myself just dumb enough to stay normal. Any chance you want to buy this for me?
No. The last time I bought you music you threw a fit and made me return it. Never again.
You bought me Olivia Newton John…for a Valentine’s day gift. It felt very weird.
What? You liked her in Grease.
I thought she was hot in Grease, at the end of the movie when she changed into all black clothes and did her hair up.
Such a disappointment. She was so cute and proper through that whole movie then changed to a bad girl just to impress a boy.
It impressed this boy.
I fear the type of women you’ll grow up and be attracted to.
