Kidsmas Massacre

When I was a kid attending Catholic grade school, every year promptly after Halloween festivities concluded, the school’s faculty would begin the rigorous preparation for the annual Christmas program.

The campaign was spearheaded by the institution’s acting principal Sister Mary Corita. She was a volatile mixture of charisma and fanaticism, the type that you find in all infamous leaders who have the capability of rallying the masses to their feet, and then running them off a cliff.

For months children were relentlessly groomed, auditioned, yelled at, prayed for and rehearsed to death. Elaborate costumes were made, sets were built, themes discussed and teacher’s jobs threatened if their respective class didn’t deliver a performance of Broadway standards.

In retrospect I now realize the pressures forced upon us were in the best interest of the show. Albeit, Sister Corita’s sanity could be questioned over and over again, but the thing to remember is that all great cults of personality are unstable, dangerous and down right loony as they lead their subjects into glorious oblivion. Her ends always justified her means because our programs were in a word, Epic.

Last Friday I attended Bear's Christmas Program. I now fully comprehend the stark contrast between private schooling and public schooling and it is this; the quality of the Christmas Program.

I don’t mean to sleigh my own bells, but MY school’s program was the stuff legends are made of, even if they did come at the price of blood, sweat ,tears and the raping and pillaging of a child’s innocence.

But maybe it’s for the best that Bear’s program lacked any cohesiveness, organization or discipline for the sake of preserving the student’s precious spirit and not forever equating Christmas time with pain, torture, humiliation and self derogation.

Or maybe I’m just bitter and think that all 7 year olds should suffer under the same conditions I did for performance art’s sake. Yeah, that’s totally it.

ANYWAY.

Here’s my almost humble review of the Burbank Elementary 2010 Winter Program.

Third Grade Class: Mr. Thomas-Jingle Bells / Ode to Joy medley…on recorders.

The performance was all that one would imagine when 50 kids are blowing into something that has the reputation for sounding like shit. I could almost make out jingle bells, but the high, off note pitches did a great job of audibly crushing anything that might have some sort of melody to it.

First Grade Class: Mrs. Bright-Jingle Bells (Part Deux).

Next up was Bear’s class, singing, not blowing, Jingle Bells. Apparently there’s little to no communication within the ranks of leadership at this school when it comes to coordinating which class is performing which song. I was surprised the entire program wasn’t comprised of the different interpretations of Jingle Bells by every grade.

The first graders tromped into the auditorium as if they were convicted felons facing a firing squad. Bear stood up front with the enthusiasm of a prisoner at Abu Ghraib who was on deck to the interrogation room.

The pre recorded music started up and most of the children went along with it as well as incorporating random hand and head gestures in unison for flair and personality.

The song ended and the kids dispersed as quickly as they assembled, exiting stage right and looking forward to two more performances in the afternoon. You could see the self loathing on their cherubic faces…along with the pondering of parenticide.

Preschool- Mrs. Reyes- Must Be Santa

These tiny tots were obviously the main attraction and damn it if they didn’t have the ego and diva like attitudes to go along with such high end status. When they came on stage all the parents stood up and waved their arms at their corresponding offspring to get their attention as if the kids were monkeys in a zoo exhibit.

The children of course, paid no attention to their adoring audience. They didn’t return waves or look towards cameras for pictures, they just stood there like movie stars while teachers fawned all over them, doing last minute costume adjustments and reassuring the children that they were better than everyone.

When the Preschoolers finally decided to begin their performance, it was on par with that of a belligerent Amy Winehouse or Whitney Houston. The kids mumbled, stumbled and at one point fell over one another while trying to sing the words to “Must Be Santa.” It was obvious that they’d all indulged in too many complimentary Pixie Sticks backstage before their performance. Their PR team is going to be doing a lot of damage control well into the new year.

After the train wreck of that which was the Preschooler’s, there were 4 more grades set to perform. Before the program started, the principal told the parents that they weren’t allowed to leave early and expected to stay for the entirety of the program.

To no one’s surprise, the parents told the principal to get fucked by way of emptying out of the auditorium, more than likely because we felt that we’d already put up with enough coercion from school officials in the past when we were children.

Suffice to say, that’s where this review ends, parents walking out on their own kids. I have no interest in what the other grades had to offer and judging by the mass exodus, neither did any one else in attendance.

Oh Sister Corita, where are you when a school’s Christmas Program needs you?