FASTER is the movie everyone wanted to see The Rock in after he went marshmallows and took up some goofy roles that questioned his validity to give dirty looks and sport tattoos.
On the bad ass motherfucker scale, he doesn’t disappoint. He’s so tough that he hardly has any dialogue. I think he probably said a max of 50 words during the almost 2 hour movie. It’s nice when your anti-hero just shuts the fuck up and destroys everything in sight.
The jest of the story is that Mr. Rock, his brother and a couple others did a bank heist. Another crew found out about it, cornered them and things went all Costa Rican.
Mr. Rock’s brother went to bed with a slit throat and The Rock himself won a bullet to the head. Movie magic made it possible for that bullet to miss his brain and shoot out his cheek bone. Since Mr. Rock survived, he got a prison term for robbery.
Horary Justice.
Faster forward and he’s out of prison, violently hunting down everyone that had to do with his brother’s demise and the reason he’s forever setting off metal detectors, because of a big steel plate in his head.
This is all fun and games but it gets old faster than a priest can convince an alter boy that he should let God feel him up.
The film also stars former Angelina Jolie taste tester, Billy Bob Thorton. He plays a down and out detective assigned to the case. He’s not only battling an uphill struggle for capturing the Rock, but he’s also fighting a drug addiction problem, a bitchy ex-wife problem and a kid who’s battling obesity and losing problem.
Thorton has always been good at playing a low life loser so he twitches and stumbles through out the movie until the final scene that’s supposed to be a twist of M. Night Shamalam-a-ding- dong proportions. Which it’s not, but then again neither are M. Night movies anymore. No harm no foul.
There’s also some guy in the movie that’s really impressed with himself and likes to do yoga and kill people. So he chases The Rock around while having therapy sessions with his psychiatrist over the phone and tries to convince his girlfriend she should marry him so he has a wife to fuck over.
The movie tries to be deep and touch on the microcosms of the main characters personal lives as well as the self imprisonment of revenge and the serenity of surrendering, redemption and forgiveness.
But you know what? I can hear all that in church, and church is free. So when I let my girlfriend put down her hard earned money to pay for my movie experience I expect violence, action and narcissistic behavior. Not some kum by yah my lord Homily.
Faster started out great and then prematurely ejaculated leaving me with someone lying on the bed just wanting to talk. Yawn.
2 Donkey Punches out of 5.
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