Word Up.

I’d like to thank Alec Baldwin in regard to his latest profanity fueled tirade that was directed at some intrusive paparazzi photographer which ended with the word “cocksucker” being deemed anit-gay speech by GLADD.

Allegedly, Baldwin called the guy a “cocksucking faggot” which in turn offended  gays everywhere. Baldwin quickly went into damage control mode and said what he actually called the guy was a “cocksucking fathead, not faggot” which in turn ended up offending people with abnormally large heads everywhere.

My point here is that one of my favorite words has been put on the social etiquette no-fly list and I’m very distraught about it. It’s like losing that favorite shirt of yours that color coordinates with anything and can be worn casually or when you’re out on the town. It’s truly a versatile word that means just about anything other than what the two compounded words actually are. Unless of course you’re starring in a gay porno and you refer to the gentleman performing felatio on you as a hungry little cocksucker then yeah, that shit’s literal. 

More often than not, many of the words we use as insults are never meant in the literal sense. They’re almost always used in a completely different context than their original design was intended.   

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m the staunchest supporter of equality. I would KILL anyone that threatened any of my gay, lesbian or trans-gender friends because of their sexual orientation. I’ll stand up for basically anyone’s rights except a Mormon’s and a Kardashian’s. 

 And because I believe in equality; the right to live in peace, pursue happiness,  love, marry and eventually fuck over in divorce any person of one’s choosing, I feel I should have the equal right to call someone a cocksucker without it being considered an inflammatory remark. Unless that person is of the gay in which case I’ll give insult by way of branding them a Republican or Phelps. Getting the jest of how insults truly work yet?

Plus (and more importantly) can anyone confirm if the guy Baldwin yelled at was even gay? If he was, then calling him a cocksucker isn’t anti-gay, if anything it’s an action of the affirmative.  And we all know how big the U.S. is on affirmative action. Besides, like it or not, that’s what gays do during foreplay. Now no one has ever called me a wetback- muff-diving clam schuckster, but if they did I’d have to agree with them on principal alone because I’m ALL those things. 

And if the guy wasn’t gay, well isn’t that what all straight males do when in a confrontation with one another? Say the most homoerotic shit to prove their manliness?  

 The thing about words like cocksucker is that they’re more so an expression, not an accusation. But if GLADD has their way than am I to assume that only gays can use the word cocksucker just like blacks have exclusive rights to the N word?  

 I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve been blatantly called a faggot, and do you know what my first response is? It’s not “No, I’m not  gay” nor is it “I believe you’re incorrect in your assumption of my sexual preferences” No, my first and only response is “Suck my dick you fucking cocksucker.”

Make sense literally? No. But contextually telling someone to suck my dick is a gesture of defiance as any boy over the age of 9 can attest to.

I have a friend that loves to call people dick-for lunch. I have NO idea how he coined it but he uses it every chance he gets, even when it’s not lunch time or even close to it. But I fear that this turn of phrase could easily wind up on GLADD’s don’t ask don’t tell list because of its mere mention of the word “dick”.

In fact, I dare conjecture that sooner or later any word or words derivative of ass, cock & mouth (such as fuck-face, dickhole, dickhead, asshole, cockholster, knobslobber, spit-shiner and world renowned rim jobber) will be deemed inflammatory by GLADD’s code of ethics. It’s quite plausible that even HMO’s could be stricken from our insurance vernacular. Because once these wars on words gets rolling it’s hard to stop and then sooner or later we’re all left without something to say. 

 Is all this ruckus over a silly word stupid? Absolutely. Does it cause pain, suffering and heartache? Sometimes, but that’s the nature of any word. Is all this debate over Baldwin’s choice of words a waste of time? You fucking bet. But this is America and one thing we’re adept at is wasting time on stupid shit.

My suggestion to GLADD and anyone else that suffers from the occasional inflammatory remark is to pop a few ibuprofens and feel better in the morning. They are, after all, anti-inflammatory.

*9 out of 10 people will think I’m a cocksucking asshole for writing this piece.